Signs You're Having a Bad Sales Meeting

With "Annual Sales Meeting" Season right around the corner, we decided to put together a list of those elements that make these meetings so memorable.

Thank you for those who contributed including our friends at www.linkedin.com

Pre-Game Show

• Your boss wants to share a flight and makes you change yours to a much later one. Then on the last day, he comes in late and announces he is too depressed to carry on the meeting because his prized Corvette broke down and he has to write the IRS a check for $25K because he made too much last year. Then you try to catch an earlier flight, all to find out they are all booked. Then your flight is cancelled and you are stuck there for another day and have to take a 6:15 flight that next morning.

• The sales book that was purchased, and then paid to ship to each rep, so that they could prepare for an engaging and productive discussion during the sales meeting, hasn't been opened yet

• The meeting begins with bumper music at 90db, from Mariah Carey's late 80s hits, while the lame managers attempt to dance a Jim Carey version of hip hop

• Ignoring the lessons learned about knowledge comprehension and retention, the opening meeting is highlighted with the phrase "We have every minute planned out....." or "we have a team building event every night!"
  

• In addition to the joy of traveling around the world for 30+ hours only to arrive at a crap hotel. You are informed that you will be sharing a room with a local who is too cheap to pay for a cab ride home.

• You have been asked to watch the movie "Boiler Room" in advance of the meeting - and to be prepared with suggestions on how to implement some of the "tips" you picked up in order to improve next quarter's results.

• Entire management team dresses in drag during an opening session and attempts to sing a lame song or act out a skit.

Purgatory Factor

• You drink as much water as possible not to cure hangover, but to force restroom breaks

• The sales rep from a warm client is closest to the thermostat and has the rest of the hungover, bad coffee filled guys sweating bullets by 9:04 am.

• The wireless is mysteriously 'down' in an attempt to make people focus.
  

• Most intense discussion is around describing the rules of NFL to the British colleagues

• You bribe select customers to call your cell during the role playing exercises with some 'urgent end of year cash they have to spend'

• The VP is asking individual reps to talk about how they successfully closed business. There are more I's in the story than in roman numerals

• You have strategically mapped out exactly how you are going to execute your new job search as soon as "The Role Playing Exercises" are complete and VP of Sales allows you to go home (roughly around 8pm)....and dont forget kids "We have a hard start time tomorrow at 8am so be on time!"

• The meeting co-chair begins to doze off....

The Elephant in the Room

• The Department of Corrections could have provided higher quality food and refreshments

• A speaker opens and says “I hope I’m not going to bore you, but….” and consequently does just that with death by PowerPoint… slides full of words… which he dutifully reads to you… and if that it not bad enough he also has a monotone voice… however, it gets worse… by slide 6 you look at anything that might look vaguely interesting and notice in the bottom right of the slide the heart sinking words… “slide 6 of 122”
  

• The CEO doesn’t stick around to see the presentations given by the directors of the departments

• The host has to continuously explain how funny his jokes are.

• The company is too cheap to hire someone to present Spin Selling and simply ask one of the directors to read the book and teach it.

• The most compelling directive comes from a VP that proclaimed that in order too have an effective User Group meeting you must put out brochures so clients could take them.

After Hours

• CEO of the company gets so drunk he starts to hit on the ugliest sales reps

• Sales rep stays out too late, gets too drunk, winds up in wrong part of town, at the wrong time. Never heard from again. VPs are pissed because his absence really screws up the schedule for next team-building exercise.
  

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Signs Your Sales Rep is a Moron

Some sales-centric publications claim that 65% of sales people do not belong in sales. As a sales manager you wonder at times if that number is a tad low. However, as a service to our readers, we've put this quick reference list together to help you spot those 65%'ers in your organization.

Signs Your Sales Rep is a Moron

• They talk more than anyone else
  

• They try to create some remote, third-party connection with prospects. For example “Yeah, my cousin did time in your state. So we are like family.”

• They claim that your solution can do everything, just name it. For example. “You want an open, yet proprietary architecture that will randomly reset the credentials in your enterprise single sign on layer? Oh heck, no problem.”

• They know nothing about the prospect, their business model, or even the city in which the prospect is located, but pretend they do. For example “Valdosta, GA? Oh yeah, thats where they grow those onions. Its like a second home to me.” (Vidalia, GA grows the onions)
  

• Their presentation is focused on the history of the company, the great things about the products and services, yet says nothing about how they will help the prospect or why really anyone should do business with your company. For example “Now that we are done with our three hour overview of our products for DOS, lets talk pricing”

• They wont get off the phone even though the prospect has given valid reasons to support the claim that they are not interested. For example “Ok, I know that your bank really doesn't do anything with South American Derivates, but can you at least watch our demo?

• They trash the competition, a lot. For example “Im not saying that your current vendor likes to skin the pelts off puppies, but have you ever seen a puppy around their offices?”

Top Ten Signs Your Sales Rep is About to Leave

• During sales demo, explains that, while not proven, he suspects that your new product has proven to cause global warming

• Shows up to work, exceedingly happy, like a lifer whose just been given parole

• During cold calls, refers to your cutting edge solution as "that crap we sell"

• On casual fridays, shows up wearing "Monster.com Job Fair - Fall 2007" T-Shirt

• Updates company email signature to include his personal email address sexmachine07@yahoo.com

• Instead of the customary "hey", greets everyone with a hug and the instructions "come with me if you want to live"

• Asks for assistance in downloading sales database to his jumpdrive. The new one, emblazzened with your competitor's logo.

• Chats up the boss by asking if ever noticed that his (the boss') Porsche boxter is more of a chick's car

• His linkedin profile has more personal detail than his DNA

• His last expense reports include items ranging from "Mileage" to "War in Iraq".